Right Now

Outside my window...colorful doors

I am thinking...I need a job! & to do sit ups.

I am thankful for...my cool new house mate & my boyfriends family.

From the kitchen...coffee & chips.

I am wearing...tank & shorts.

I am creating...many cover letters.

I am going...to keep applying for a GREAT job & not settle for less!

I am reading...job listing websites.

I am hoping...that I get my birth certificate soon so that I can get my NJ license.

I am hearing...the tv.

Around the house...cat, unpacked tubs.

One of my favorite things...that John is so close to me!

A few plans for the rest of the week: apply apply apply, scrap book, make cards, not get depressed.

My Place of Living =)

The Kitty Sparticus aka Sparty

My awesome big bedroom (minus the bed)

Pretty Bathroom

Oh the Kitchen!

Living Room

Cute Back Yard.

East Coaster

Woahhhh, it has been a long time since I posted.

I am now in Trenton, New Jersey. I have spent good time with John - yay! & THIS weekend we will be spending more time together, SUPER yay!

My first night I was here alone (my house mate was in Brazil) & it was interesting. I was pretty darn overwhelmed but I fell asleep at a reasonable hour & that was nice. Then Dan got here & he bought me lunch (babaganoush!) to welcome me to Trenton & then we went on a walking tour of the area & to the grocery story & then later on he made dinner for a friend & we drank wine & had an over all good time. Dan is pretty cool I am super glad that John got connected with him.

The send off from Colorado was insanely hard (as was expected) I had some pretty sweet moments with friends. Oh the tears! Just thinking about it now gets me misty eyed. I am so glad that I moved & I will not be moving back to Greeley.

The hardest thing has been leaving John (funny huh?) When we were both in Colorado it was always hard to say good bye to him , even knowing that I would see him in a few days. And now we are 15 minutes (15 MINUTES!) a part but we had been separated for so long that I just want to be with him. I am such a girl.

Yesterday I applied for many jobs & then I went with Johns parents to buy a mattress but of course that did not work out, I think that I will be able to get one from one of Donnas friends so that is cool.

The main frustrating thing is getting a car. I am wondering if I should have gotten a car in Colorado & switched everything over when I got here. Hmmm.

Overall I am doing good. I just need a great job! So please be praying major for this to happen for me.

I made it!

::GO::

There are so many things in my head right now. They are all smashing into each other, trying to find a cozy place to lay back & nestle. I am just sitting here, staring into space, trying to grasp what is in my head, trying to separate these thoughts.

It just seems impossible at the moment. What it is adding up to is that I am unhappy. And that is all I can think about. How do I become happy? People say that money does not buy happiness but right now it sure would cheer me up.

This past week was insane. I made the decision 2 weeks ago that I would buy a one way plane ticket for July 6 or 7. That I am just going to GO. I would rather be struggling money wise 20 miles away from John than 1800 miles away from John.

John is very much about the numbers. So the idea of telling him my decision was pretty intense. So on Tuesday, after a long day of story time & helping a friend with her grandkids, I told John. That resulted in a pretty intense conversation. After we got off the phone I just knelt on the floor and cried. It was insane. Well my friend came into the room & asked me how I was doing. I gave her a brief description of the conversation. And from that she began to tell me how her husband did all of these things for her when they were dating & how she does not understand why if John & I are in love, why we do not just get married & how her kids handled their relationships .

Uh… wtf? Stop judging what you do not know! You do not even know John!
That just made it worse. & Of course I was staying there for 2 days to help with the grandkids. How do you help someone out after a conversation like that? Of course I love those little kids so it was easy to focus on them & to do a good job with them.

That night I woke up at 2 am with a very horrible headache that stayed with me for the whole day. I definitely over medicated myself but the pain would not go away.

It had been awhile since I talked to Chris. He had surgery & other things I guess. I told him about this bad day & that no matter what I need to leave Greeley. My life here is over. It is time for something new. I need to start my life where it is just me & then just me & John. Chris asked me where Jesus was in all of this. .. Uhm , well.

I have been talking to GOD but have not been investing much time into that relationship. Right now I am feeling the same way I did this time last summer. That is pretty scary. I have a friend who gets depressed in the winter time. And another friend who gets sad around Easter. I am thinking that summer is my time.

My friend Kristin wrote on her Facebook status that she has a heavy heart & is choosing to set her mind on things of eternal value… Oh how perfect.

This is my last day video switching for Christ Community. I love this job & I hope to do something like it again soon. It is time.

I am packing this week. I am just getting on a plane & going in 3 weeks.

With like 100 dollars in my pocket.

It is exciting & scary.

Insomnia

Favorite Things

Some things in my room that make me happy, especially since I am not fond of where I live =)

Not So Bads...

(I changed Thankful Tuesday to Not So Bads)

1. the possibility of July 6th

2. playing devils advocate with John (we were cracking up last night)

3. John Olsen leading worship

4. baking with LiAnne

5. Britany , oh I am so glad for her friendship

6. These pictures of BWack -

**for those of you who do not know (& shame on you for not knowing!) , BWack is the drummer (not tuba player) for David Crowder Band...**

PLATEAU

I am unsure if this is ever a good word (actually the only time this is good is when excersizing) but emotionally, spiritually, career - not a good thing. I am SO at a plateau right now & it sucks.

I have been separated from John for 5 months & I could totally have had a 2nd job for that amount of time & been on my way to Pennsylvania. What the hell is wrong with me?! It is making me doubt my move. When I was helping the Barnes move to Florida John had sent me a series of texts.
They said: "Are you sure you cannot come with me?"
"You will know when it is the right time"

At that point we had not told each other that we loved each other, heck I did not even know that I did love him.

Am I sure that I know this is the right time? This coming Sunday John & I will have been dating 8 months, I cannot believe that. It amazes me (in a good way) .

The logistics of moving to New Jersey/Pennsylvania are pretty much in order. All I need to figure out is paying my Greeley debt (which would have been taken care of had I been working a 2nd job) I really want to start Financial Peace University. The one thing getting in my way is that I do not know where I stand with GOD right now.

Actually, I do know where I stand with HIM & I know how I feel about HIM . What it is , is that I just do not know where I stand with myself or how I feel about myself. I was texting Chris earlier & I asked him if he knew who he was. (that has been the main thought in my head - who am I?) He replied that: his actions define what he is, how he is... well based on that answer & my actions last summer, I am a slut. Hmmm interesting. Since last summer Chris has told me that he knows that is not who I am. Man, that is confusing!

Is it that our sins define who we are? But once they are confessed what then? We are washed clean right? Then we are no longer that person?

So you can see my confusion. Like I have written before last summer definately changed me. I am still astounded at the change. I cannot wrap my head around the difference in me from before & after the summer.

Who the HECK am I?!?!

I wrote a question in my notebook a few months ago: "What Am I Passionate About?" This question still is unanswered. I know what I used to be passionate about, but that was a different stage in my life.

I try to focus these thoughts on GOD but then I just get stuck.

This weekend at church, we followed National Day of Prayer. There was one part where we confessed our sins & I realized that it had been awhile since I had done that. Why? Because it scared the heck out of me. Something that should be so freeing was not so much. It would make everything real, & then I would be washed clean, white as snow.

And then from there, can I answer the question of 'Who Am I?'

What Have I Been Up To... (In Pictures & In Words)

Checking in a lot of books...


Brit & I were driving to church & we saw these cop type cars, the sides said 'protective services' There were 4 of them, it was insane & cool at the same time =)

That same day I got to see Kim, a friend from camp, it was short but AMAZING to see her & talk to her, she asked good questions.

Saturday night I ate a big piece of cake for dinner at the Wootens

I made some tofu for the first time.

Baking Homemade Bread at LiAnnes

LiAnne & Me, proud of our bread baking (you can see the bread in the background)

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Well... I am pretty much on Auto Pilot. I want to be with John so badly but it is taking so much longer than I thought. We have grown even more closer the past week. It has been amazing conversations but sometimes that is not enough. Kind of like just having prayer with GOD it has to be more than that. *sigh* Both things I need to work on.

Argh.

Weekend Challenge

On Friday Ali Edwards encouraged her followers to document their weekends (a mini version of her week in the life of... these are my pictures of my weekend. NOTE*** my life is pretty unexciting so there are not many pictures, as opposed to Ali's collection =) but it fun !

(this was actually on Thursday, I got to hang out with the awesome Hannah Pratt, I am so blessed to be apart of her life, we ran a few errands, got a drink at sonic , & then went to the Salvation Army where I got 5 awesome shirts for $8! Super Fun!)

The beginning of my weekend was Friday at 2ish when I got off work, so I headed to "Your Place Coffee" for a muffin & a iced coffee, Nice & Relaxing =)

Britany & I then went to Coyotes for some yummy Margarita's, some Southwestern Egg Rolls & some much needed girl talk - Yay!

Saturday was pretty chill, I read 2 books

& watched some tv on dvd - my fav!

The ingredients for a good bike ride/errand running: helmet, sunglasses, ipod, & chacos

Video Switcher Room

Dinner on Saturday Night, pizza from Papa Johns... Yummy!

Session 1 - Saturday @ 6pm

Session 2 - Sunday @ 9am

Session 3 - Sunday @1045am

Getting lunch ready for Monday

Sooooooooo happy to be talking to the fella!

The scrap pages I got done this weekend, I am very satisfied with most of them

** And that is my weekend in pictures **

Lets Be Honest:

1. This whole Chris thing... it is affecting me in this way that I really cannot explain/describe. & I do not know how I feel about it or what to do about it... & to be even more honest, it is all scaring me a bit... not in the 'I think I am in love with him' way (been there done that) but in the 'is GOD going to tell me I need to say bye?' way. Holy Moly.

2. As for my thankfuls for this week. Well again being honest, (the best policy right?) I am not really thankful for anything at the moment. Things are at a plateau (spiritually, emotionally, physically, romantically) & I am not thankful about that.

3. Last weekend Pastor Alan said this. " this whole faith thing is a mystery & we must be willing to live in the tension of this, with out exclusively going to one side or the other" AMEN!

Weekend Update =)

√ * go yard sale-ing : I did not do this so that I could accomplish the $$$$$$$$$ to do =)
* call roberta
* play disc golf : I fully intended on doing this at least 2 times this past weekend, however I kept forgetting my flippin discs, that was really frustrating!
√ * video switch : Always glad to do this, Although I had to lay the law down about professionalism over the com sets, oohhhh I was ticked off for about 5 minutes, no bueno
√ * create! : lotsa scrap pages were made, I am happy
√ * $$$$$$$$$ : Accomplished by not going yard sale-ing, which in turn led to me getting to sleep in, horray!
√ * look for jobs in pennsylvania : I found a few options, it is a daily process for sure...
√* clean room :
* clean kitchen : It was not quite the right timing for this, argh.
√ * pray for chris : Chris has not left my mind for awhile now, Gladly
√ * write notes for peeps :
√ * go to work

Weekend To Do's

(not in any order)

* go yard sale-ing
* call roberta
* play disc golf
* video switch
* create!
* $$$$$$$$$
* look for jobs in pennsylvania
* clean room, clean kitchen
* pray for chris
* write notes for peeps
* go to work

I really like this picture too, makes me happy